When
I was growing up, I had a pretty good childhood. We played outside a lot with
our cousins and went to church every Sunday. You know, a typical happy
childhood. In high school I was shy and probably awkward, but I always had my
group of friends that I hung out with and ate lunch with, passed notes with. I
had my fair share of boyfriends but only a couple were serious. I wasn’t a bad
kid either, just a couple hiccups here and there. Like that one time I got into
a fight at school when I got fed up with this girl and her friends shit
talking. Or that one time I ran away from home my senior year all because my parents
didn’t like my boyfriend. I didn’t even skip school unless my mom knew about
it. I ended up pregnant close to the end of my senior year, by that boyfriend
my parents disliked so much. Eventually he was out of our lives and I was, kind
of, out into the dating world. I never really went on dates, mostly just online
chat because that was a thing at the time. I was pretty in tune with myself in
my early 20’s, and I was mostly happy and having a good time. I even kept my
daughter with me most of the time when I was hanging out with people. I felt
like she was my responsibility and shouldn’t be dropped off with everyone for
me to go out and have a good time. If she couldn’t come, I usually didn’t go,
unless it was to go to work. Then she would stay with my mom or my
grandparents.
I felt like I was
a good person and deserved to have a good life with a happy marriage and happy
family. You know, that all around family guy who goes to work everyday to
support his family and then comes home and plays in the yard with his kids. The
dad who coaches in his kids’ sports leagues and I would be the mom cheering
them on from the sidelines. That was my dream, and I am pretty sure it still is.
I had faith that I would eventually find that and someone who would adopt my
daughter and treat her as their own. I talked to different people over the next
four or so years after I graduated high school. A couple of them I really liked,
could’ve loved if they had let me. One was never really “available” although he
always made himself available to talk to me through text and sometimes
delivered my Schwann’s. The other one I talked to almost consistently for about
a year, but we only hung out on like 2 occasions. He made me so angry because
he would stand me up but at the same time, I was still drawn to him. He was
like my protector, the one who would defend me and fight someone if he needed
to. Or at least I felt like he would. He came and stayed the night at my
apartment one time because my ex was in the upstairs apartment and I was very
uncomfortable with that, so my guy came and stayed to keep me from being messed
with by my ex. What girl wouldn’t want someone who would do that for her? Even so, nothing ever moved forward with us
and I couldn’t figure out why. I guess he just wanted to be out there doing what
he wanted instead. So, I kept looking for someone else. I worked at a tobacco
store around that time. I noticed this guy who worked at the Subway that was
behind the tobacco store. He was cute, mysterious and seemed hot, so when I found
out him and his girlfriend had broken up, I reached out to my high school friend
and asked her about him. I also added him on Myspace. She told him I was
interested in him, so he reached out to me on Myspace. We hung out and spent
lots of time together. He was quiet and everything, nothing like the guy who
would beat someone up for me, but despite that I continued staying with him,
convinced it would be fine because there are still lots of things, I like about
him. Mind you, the guy who would protect me was not happy at all that I moved
on. I told him that he wasn’t doing anything to move things forward with me and
no joke, he says, “that didn’t mean for you to move on with someone else.” I
assume I was supposed to just keep waiting on him, and maybe I should have.
Life went on, I
stayed with mysterious guy and we had our ups and downs, but we were happy
mostly. We broke up once and within days he was out screwing someone else, my
cousin to be exact. My grandpa told me that I needed to just move on because
that boy was no good for me and he didn’t like him at all. But I just couldn’t
seem to move on because my daughter seemed to like him, so I begged him back.
Eventually I got pregnant and had another daughter. A month after she was born
me and him got married and a few weeks after, he adopted my oldest daughter.
Life seemed to be good and working out well, so I thought. Two months after we
got married and three months after having our daughter, I found out that my husband
had been making out with my brothers’ wife at work. I left work that day and
threw all his shit out of the dresser drawers, smoked some cigarettes, wanted
to go beat up my sister-in-law and was convinced my short-lived marriage was
done. My mom was there for me and she called the pastor who married us (a
family friend) and she called the church and left a message for the counselor.
My mother-in-law came along and convinced me to go to counseling too and try to
figure things out because after all, it was her fault because she must have
dropped him on his head when he was little. Yeah, ok. So, despite my destroyed
family now (and I mean my whole family), I decided to go to counseling because marriages
should be saved if possible, right?
A year went on and
he eventually joined the military and less than a year later we moved to Arizona.
I ended up pregnant pretty much right after we got moved to Arizona. After a
couple months my oldest daughter started having some behavior problems and
things got crazy and me and the kids moved back to Arkansas. The whole time we
were there my husband was begging me back, sending me the only flowers I had
ever received from him during our whole relationship. A few months later I
decided to go back and a couple months after that I had my son. Life was back
to good and I was in love with my new son and life. What could be better than
having my daughters and finally having the son I always wanted? My marriage was
back to normal and we would be good now right? My parents came out to visit
right after my son was born and then a couple weeks after that my in-laws came
out to visit.
And that is when
it happened; life came crashing down again. It seemed like every time I had a baby;
it was tainted by something. The first one was tainted by the constant fight
with my family over my ex that they disliked and now my other two babies were
tainted by none other than what I hated more than anything, Cheating. Finding
out on our insurance records that my husband ended up being treated for
chlamydia while we were “separated” and I was in Arkansas, wasn’t my idea of a
happy turn out. So, how did he manage to get chlamydia? His excuse was that it
can lay dormant for years and he must have gotten it before me. That was all
fine and well except I had two babies since we met, and we women know that you
are checked for std’s and all kinds of other things when you are pregnant. I
was always negative for everything so this could not be true. So, I went to by
obgyn and let her know about it and of course, she didn’t buy that story either
but wanted to treat me for chlamydia just in case, even though I was negative
for it. Life was upside down yet again, only now there were secrets out there
not being told. I let a few months go by with me sitting on the knowledge that
his chlamydia wasn’t just hanging out dormant and I couldn’t believe he thought
I was stupid enough to believe that. Although, I have been stupid enough all
this time to keep going back to him, so I guess it made sense. So, what now? I eventually brought it back up and after many,
many fights about it, he told me that he met someone on some stupid website and
went and had a one night stand with this random person who he didn’t even know
her name or remember where he went to see her. Of course, I’m not stupid enough
to believe that he had no clue who she was or where she lived but I was
convinced that he was stupid enough to have a one-night stand with someone and
catch chlamydia from them.
Life went on and I
thought I was passed it all, even though by now I was wondering what was wrong
with me and why I deserved the pain I was going through. I mean, I was a good kid,
so I deserved a good life, right? So, what gives, why am I going through this?
My grandpa passed away before my second daughter was born but I always remember
those words his said to me about moving on and how that boy was no good for me.
Why didn’t I listen to him then and move on? Would I be living that dream life
I always wanted growing up if I had listened to him? But if I had listened to him,
I wouldn’t have my second daughter or my son, so I guess something good came
out of it. He ended up deployed not long after my son was born and after I
finally confronted him about how he really got chlamydia. Of course, absence makes
the heart grow fonder so while he was deployed, we were “so in love”. After he
came back everything was good for a while. I had made some friends, joined the
family readiness group for his unit and was just living life again. I thought,
wow I guess I must be passed all that has happened. Life was ok again.
Then it happened,
AGAIN. I was on snapchat one night while we were hanging out on the porch.
Snapchat has this nifty thing where you can see if your contacts from your phone
are registered on snapchat with their phone numbers. I am scrolling through and
I saw my husbands name saying he has a snapchat and of course I click on it to
check it out. His user name really got me because it was this God awful
perverted nasty name. Immediately I turn and look at him and say, “What is
this?” Of course, he is pretending to be confused and is like, “I have no clue.”
Well, by now we all know I didn’t buy that for a second. So, I log out of my
snapchat and put in that username and try a couple of his passwords he uses and
BAM, one works! So, obviously this is his snapchat and I need to continue my
investigation. I shouldn’t have continued because my discoveries were not
pleasant. The pictures and videos that were saved in conversations were more
than I could handle, and I can handle quite a lot obviously. As I am sure you
can assume, some yelling happened and some fighting, phone calls to my closest
friend to vent to her about what I had found. He had even more accounts on some
other social outlets that I found out about. Life was upside down again. And
yet again, something else significant was tainted. A few months before this we
had gone to our first ever military ball. I had a great night at the ball and
was ready to do it again. So, when the dates for his snapchat conversations and
video and picture sharing coincided with the dates for the military ball, all
the happiness and meaning of the ball turned to a tainted time and meaningless.
Everything in my life now seemed to be tainted and my self-worth was completely
gone. Even though I was constantly asking, “what is wrong with him?”, I was really
wondering, what is wrong with me.
We started
counseling right after that and she told him that he seemed to have an
addiction and he needs to go to counseling for addiction. But he didn’t want to
go because that is embarrassing, and he can just fix himself. I did not agree with
this and thought he should go to counseling, but he never did. So, yet again,
life went on. Eventually we moved from
Arizona to New York. I had a hysterectomy not long after we moved to New York because
the permanent birth control I had gotten years before was making me sick so, I
had to get a hysterectomy to get it out.
Because of this birth control I got in 2014, I had developed PCOS (polycystic
ovarian syndrome). I had gained weight almost non-stop since 2014 and could not
lose weight despite trying so many different things. So, as you can imagine,
between being cheated on multiple times and gaining so much weight, I was
really starting to hate myself. I was completely lost and just barely going
through life. Not to mention I ended up suffering with severe seasonal affective
disorder because for 6-7 months in New York the temps are in the negatives or
just super cold and snow is always on the ground, therefore, I couldn’t go
outside where I find peace of mind exploring nature. I loved Arizona because I
could go hiking or walking and look at the beautiful landscape and nature, and
this brought my mind so much peace and calmness. In New York I don’t have that.
Eventually my
weight crept up high enough that I couldn’t even get up our stairs in our house
without stopping at the top almost dying. Mind you, its only like 10-12 stairs,
so I should be able to get up them with no problem. I couldn’t take it anymore.
I was sucking on an inhaler way too much and I was too fat to enjoy my life.
That is when I decided to talk to my doctor about weight loss surgery. In April
2018 I underwent gastric bypass at 246 pounds. I was determined to lose the weight,
find myself again and learn to love myself again. Why should I base my value on
the way some guy made me feel? Why should I be lost, and my kids suffer because
their dad is selfish and ruined our family. All those times that I convinced
myself I was over what he had done to me was a complete and utter lie I was
telling myself. I wasn’t over it and I would never get over it, mainly because
he never made up for it. He walked around mad all the time, and it was almost
like, he was mad at me and treating me like crap because I found out about his
secrets and outed him. So, I was being punished for finding out what he did and
confronting him. Not only did he do these things to me but the whole time, he
has left my kids here in limbo without the joys of their father coming home and
being happy to see them. He never has anything to do with our kids. He will
never be that dad that coaches his kids’ sports leagues because he barely even
thought about playing with them. He would rather worry about music, video games
and movies.
So, when did I
become so weak to just accept the way that one person treats me and allow them
to treat me and my kids the way they do? What did I do to deserve this? Was it because
the Schwann’s guy had a girlfriend part of the time that I talked to him, because
that’s the only thing I can think of that would come close enough to be
punished for, but not to this extent? And what do I do about this? I have no
career, no college degree, no way of supporting myself and my kids alone. I also couldn’t afford to move myself, my kids
and all our stuff from New York to Arkansas. So, what am I supposed to do? This
has held me here in this marriage for so long because the only good that has
come from him this whole time, is that he has been willing to work and support
his family financially. But here I am, I have been lost all this time and I
have done nothing to better myself. I can not even figure out a career to
pursue. I feel like a sad excuse of a person because of what I have been
through that completely tore me down. I now have severe anxiety, severe
depression, and ptsd. Any time I think he is doing something again; my whole
body starts shaking and I feel nauseated and can’t even feel any emotions.
A year later after
my gastric bypass, I have lost almost 120 pounds and have decided that I am
worth it, and I deserve to be happy. I deserve to live the life I want, and my
kids deserve to live a happy life. The only problem is, I still have no career
and I still can’t afford to move our stuff. So, I’m still stuck. So, I guess
the point of this whole life story is, NEVER allow someone to make you feel
worthless. If he cheats on you once, leave. It is not worth staying and letting
him tear you down and make you feel like it is your fault. You deserve all the
happiness your desire. You deserve the guy of your dreams. I deserve the family
guy who supports his family and happily coaches his kids’ sports leagues. We
all deserve what we desire and should never settle for less. If someone is
willing to make you feel less than worthy, you need to kick them out of your
life. It is time to take back control and get our lives back, and our happiness
back. I know in my heart that I can do anything I put my mind to, despite being
taught that I am worthless all these years. I AM WORTHY AND YOU ARE WORTHY.
